someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
