nut hugger
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
