I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
