clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
