I cannot find my penis.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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