I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
