I think I won the penis lottery.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
