A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
