she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
