Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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