I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
