9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Randomize