I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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