If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
