apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
