Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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