I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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