Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
