worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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