Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
