Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
