my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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