the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
