How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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