I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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