If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
