Screwed.edu
I showed him my bush... on skype.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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