her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
