I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
