YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
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