anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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