Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
