My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize