I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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