There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
