I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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