last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize