You were right. It hurts to walk today.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
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