My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
You need a sexual gate keeper
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
