If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
