the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
