Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
