You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
You need a sexual gate keeper
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
