Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
