I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
