he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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