I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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