my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
