i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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