Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
