Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
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