Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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