i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
