At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
