Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
My cat gives me a boner
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
