dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
i would punch a child for taco bell
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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