Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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