i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
did i walk over a car last night?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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