Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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